Ai-ya, no birth is easy.
Everyone thinks Baby Number 3 will be quick,
because the lady is already "stretched out".
This is my mother.
But I still remember your head pushing out.
Like someone cutting me with a knife!
For as long as I remember, she has been... inappropriate.
Stab stab stab, right into Mummy's vee-vee.
For a long time, I thought Mum didn't fit in because she was Chinese.
Then I realised... it's just Mum.
Ben, can you imagine
squeezing a lemon out of your penis hole?
- Can I blow out the candles now? - So much pain...
This is why kids should always thank their mummies on their birthday.
But when you plop out,
I was so happy.
You came out so cute!
Where's your dad?
I'm making a wish.
Ah-Ben, growing up!
Fried ice-cream cake. New invention for the birthday boy.
Guys!
We can eat them both.
Mum and Dad weren't always like this.
Then, I guess it's not easy raising five kids in a foreign country.
People said they were crazy for having this many children.
But as Mum says, what family isn't crazy?
Right?
My name is Benjamin Law and this my family.
Shut up!
Ben!
Ow!
How am I supposed to win if I don't practise, Humphrey?
The talent show's on Friday.
Ben!!
Dad's back on the couch.
He probably just fell asleep watching Chinese soaps again.
No, they had another fight.
See?
Just give them space.
Space? All Mum complains about is how Dad's never here for anything.
You know, if Dad came to the talent show for once...
Actually, Ben...
about that...
I don't think I can make it either.
What? Why?
I've got something amazing planned.
- Schoolies. - What's Schoolies?
Schoolies is where Year 12s party and contract unwanted diseases.
Your words.
Ow!
79...
80...
81...
82...
- Michelle has worms. - No, I don't!
- Why are you scratching, then? - Cheek or hole?
Cheek.
That's okay.
But you've never missed a show. Who's going to do my make-up?
- You always redo it anyway. - Why bother? You lose every time.
- Hey... - I was runner-up last year!
You're going now?
- Andrew, go help your sister. - No! I mean, I'm fine.
And Ben... you're going to be great.
If she doesn't have to go, I don't.
If I have to watch that fat girl play bongos again...
Her name is Stacey McCann and she has a thyroid problem.
- Everybody's going, okay? - Except Candy.
Be careful. And remember... no ring, no ding-ding.
Oh, Mum! Jesus!
Oh, Ben. It's okay, you can still win.
Because I have such a supportive family...
who believes in me!
- Drama queen. - What's that?
These are the Thomsons.
When Heidi and Klaus aren't on ski holidays,
they're modelling for their parents' organic garment empire.
Last year, they were nominated for Young Australians of the Year,
for building a school for AIDS orphans.
They're awful.
Friday's the busiest night of the week.
Isn't that why you have staff?
It's Ben's Annual Variety Gala Showcase.
Remember when he was dressed as a singing cat? What was that about?
When he lost last time, he cried for a week.
He was runner-up! He's doing it for us.
Why is Candy even going to Schoolies anyway?
Last year, I heard Kristy Ronson woke up naked
in a waterbed full of men she didn't even know.
Doesn't sound too bad.
The waterbed part, I mean. Never mind.
This is the most important cultural event of the year.
If we win, we get our photo in the Sunshine Coast Daily.
You can't buy that sort of publicity, Melissa.
- Actually, guys... - I'm adding early morning rehearsals.
I don't care if our lips bleed if it means we get to beat Klaus.
Hey, morning, guys!
- Hello, Klaus. - You guys going to this year's show?
Last year's was so awesome! So awesome.
I still can't believe we won.
Heidi and I only entered because Mr Mallory asked us to.
Yeah, wow, cool story.
Hey, you guys should enter too!
- We already have. - We'll think about it.
See you guys in class.
See you in hell.
Yeah, Ben, about the talent show...
Costume-wise, we're doing the fittings at my place.
- It's just... - What, Troy?
Mum threw Dad out. We're moving closer to my grandparents.
We leave tomorrow.
But the talent show's this Friday!
I mean... all of this is horrible.
Really horrible, Troy.
But there's no chance your parents will get back together?
Good work, Troy's mum! Don't just ruin your son's life.
Ruin the most acclaimed woodwind ensemble on the Coast while you're at it.
Maybe we could do it. As a couple.
Wait, that came out wrong.
All of our songs are for woodwind trios.
If we don't find someone else, we'll never destroy Klaus.
Didn't you say it's not about winning?
That participating in itself is a worthwhile experience?
Melissa, I made that up. Judges love hearing that crap.
We need posters.
Jenny!
Hey, Jenny!
- Jenny! - Hey, Jenny!
Says it's declined.
No, no, no. It's just the bank.
Still declined.
- Ai-ya, let me! - Let me, let me!
Platinum member.
You take half and I'll take half.
You're much better at this legwork.
So to speak.
You start at the quadrangle and I'll do the stadium.
Ben...
Melissa, they're just pigeons.
I've told you about my ornithophobia.
Yeah, some ibis attacked your eyeball or something.
It's like the birds follow me everywhere... watching me.
I'm never safe.
Mum, he just forgot. He's busy.
So typical!
Your father knows everything about the restaurant money.
Home bank accounts? Hello?
How is Jenny supposed to buy groceries?
I know Troy's family has issues, but has his family ever considered
that their issues affect other people?
Troy's dad always had the wandering eyeball.
Always staring at Mummy's boobs.
Yes, I know they are nice, but hello? Your wife is right there.
- Troy's mum says he's a deadbeat. - Deadbeat?
D-E-A-D-B-E-A-T.
What does it mean?
It's like someone who can't be relied on. A loser.
Oh... I know someone like that.
Dad's not a deadbeat...
Hey... you're supposed to be asleep.
I needed to pee.
What's happening?
Well, his wife found out he was a magic snake king.
Now she wants to find him and kill him.
Oh... makes sense.
He loves her, but she does not like the magic snake people
because they cut off her sister's arms.
Dad...
Is everything okay... with you and Mum?
Why do you ask?
Well, it's no big deal if you can't come. I know you're busy.
I'll just tell Mum it's okay.
Hey... Of course I'll be there.
Where is everyone?
I posted an urgent call-out to the regional woodwind forum.
We're screwed.
So, Russell, how long have you been playing?
Excuse me?
No... excuse me.
He's deaf! How can he play music if he can't hear?
- Ben! - What? He can't hear us.
"And of course, thanks to my parents,
"who raised me and my siblings so well...
"And how's about a round of applause for our runner-up... Klaus."
Or should I just skip Klaus?
Wait!
Is that a harp?
Ow!
It's not my fault. It's your skull.
Tam, no blood this time, please. Chop-chop, Chinaman! Time to go.
Mum, you don't understand. They have a harp.
So what? You have your talent.
Everyone says you play like the black man.
Mum, that's racist.
- Why? - I don't know, it just is.
Klaus could just stand on stage drooling
and everyone would think it was amazing.
That creepy man at the fruit shop spends all day drooling.
No one thinks that he's amazing.
Mum, Philip had a stroke.
Whatever.
You know, whenever Mummy's sad,
I hear you play, it always make me feel better.
So you just get up there and do the best for Mummy and Daddy.
And, if you get to beat stupid Klaus... good.
Tammy, would you rather eat someone's bum or their poo?
That is disgusting. Why would you even ask that?
Oh, I've got another one!
Would you rather drink a stranger's phlegm or your own hand?
Rather eat your own butt, Michelle.
Hey, put that away! It's your brother's big night.
- Disgusting! Shut up, okay? - Girls! Time for quiet. Shh!
Jenny!
Kumi told me young Ben's competing tonight.
Jenny, is this seat free? If Tammy shuffles over...
Oh, so sorry! Danny's coming.
It's okay. It's going to be fine.
I'll call you!
Oh, no!
Thank you, good evening. I am your host, Mr Mallory Mallory.
Thank you.
To celebrate the end of the school year,
we have some of Sacred Heart College's finest talents
performing for you.
From Indigenous dance to slam poetry,
from Chinese acrobatics to bongos,
we have something for everyone.
So...
'Carpe noctum!'
Let the games begin!
What's wrong?
Ahhh!
A big round of applause for Stacey McCann
and that robust performance of...
'Nairobi Moonblood at Night'.
Thank you.
And now... for our next act.
Sibling sensation Klaus und Heidi Thomson!
♪ Got my fingers burnt
♪ Now when I think of touching your hair
♪ You have changed so much that I don't know
♪ If I can call you and tell you I care
♪ I would love to bring you down
♪ Plant your feet back on the ground
♪ You think you're so beautiful
♪ So beautiful
♪ So beautiful, beautiful... ♪
So beautiful...
Bravo!
Okay, listen up.
Melissa, focus! Those guys were nothing. We can nail this.
You with us, Russell?
No. What?
Weren't they wonderful, ladies and gentlemen?
Break a leg!
Bit insensitive, don't you think?
And next up, with their rendition of the classic hit 'Watermelon Man',
Sacred Heart's very own wind-filled wonders... Tooty Frutti!
Shh!
Sorry...
- Can we stop? - We'll stop when Mum stops.
I can't ever go back to school.
Hey, everyone.
- Candy! - Oh, hey...
- How was Schoolies? - What?
Oh yeah, good. I mean, great.
- So, what's going on? - Well, now that you're so interested,
Russell's hearing aids fell off, Melissa was assaulted by a bird,
- Klaus and Heidi won again... - I mean... with Mum and Dad.
Why do you think I work so hard?
How else will we pay for their school fees, their clothes?
Their... fruit costumes?
I spent all week helping Ben make his costume. Where were you?
I was working!
You wouldn't know what it's like to slave your guts out for this family.
What? You haven't worked since Ben was born.
Meanwhile I'm at the restaurant seven days a week.
And what I do here, day in, day out, looking after everything,
isn't work?
- Deadbeat! - What the hell's a "deadbe..."
Crazy!
Are you okay?
Yeah. Yeah, Mummy's fine.
Need some cheering up?
Oh, just like the black man.
Merry Christmas!
What if Mum never lets Dad back? It's already been a week.
Dad! You should come to Christmas.
I'll do it. Food, everything.
Just give Dad this one chance.
You are Martha Stewart, Nigella Lawson...
Dad's here!